Adventures in Emotional Productivity

So.

I've spent quite some time between 2006 and now, developing a systems for myself to fall back on when things are starting to become intense emotionally. Those of you have been around for any length of time have seen the evolution of those systems into kind of a two-step guide to handling all emotionally volatile situations:

1. Remind yourself, "how something feels is not necessarily how it actually is"
2. Only respond to how it is; never respond to how it feels,

and it occurred to me today that this "checklist", while at a very surface level seems effective, may be not be the kind of "be all, end all" that I thought it might. I mean, you'd have to consider first of all that usually I start thinking about personal productivity during states of hypomania - those two or three months when you find me cranking out po-ems, and thinking about expanding my writing to other genres, and cleaning regularly, and all these other things that seem to be on this "path towards health". I was thinking the other day about the conversation Nash has with his doctor in A Beautiful Mind, where the doctor refutes Nash's claim that he apply his own mental strength to his illness, because his mind is where the problem is. Beyond that, I've come to this place where I'm ultimately dismissive of every emotion that I have, but that can't be valid either... because this illness that I only admit occasionally to having is about...severity and duration of emotion, not about the emotions themselves. And finally, I've gotten in this really bad habit of only expressing the emotion that I know I'm supposed to have, and not being honest about any of the other things going on with me...and repression leads to depression and bla bla bla...

I do not know what the solution here is. 

I keep wrestling with this idea of God's promise to provide peace and joy and what not to his children and then this notion that I'm somehow unable to feel that joy 70% of the time because of some chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected with pills. It just seems...antithetical to who and what God is. Except on this whole different level which I can also appreciate theologically it's not...because I don't expect for him to supernaturally cure the rest of the illnesses in the world or end hunger or all of that. Mm.

My baby sister asked me once why I'd been so willing to smoke or drink or whatever else in order to "feel better" but was so opposed to going the prescribed antidepressant route...and I just think it's dangerous to cross this threshold from taking something every now and again to feel better to taking something consistently to feel normal.

In short - I feel very much like an exposed nerve ending - feeling too much and not knowing how to deal with it.

Peace Be

Adventures in COGIC Dating

So.

In order to fully explain the concept of two COGICs dating...I'd have to begin with a thourough examination of caste systems and arranged marriages as practiced by certiain feudal soceities in the early Asian dynasties...but instead I'll leave you to your own reasearch concerning those matters, and trust that the previous statement alone will give you some basic understanding of what it was like to be me, at Starbucks, last night.

I would not dare suggest, that the COGICs have divided the members into classes...and we definitely do not promote arragned marriage...however....having a conversation with a COGIC boy who wants to date you...might go something like this:

Me: You're a great guy and I'm glad we're friends, but I'm not trying to date anyone right now.
Him: I can be patient.
Me : I....really don't think that's a wise decision on your part.
Him: I think that you're going to be ready to date much sooner than you think.
Me: What?
Him: I think that you're going to be ready to date much sooner than you think .
Me: pause...Look. I appreciate [bla, bla, bla....] but seriously...if you can't just be my friend then...we should stop hanging out.
Him: We are not hanging out.
Me: [confused and slightly angry face]
Him: This is a date.

Now. What's even more tricky is why a conversation would go like this. It is not natural stubborness...it is not actual oblivion...it is not even that he's certain that he likes me all that much - it is because he is COGIC and at some point...he had a conversation with his Pastor that went like this:

Him: I think I'm ready to take a wife (yes....he probably said this)
Pastor: Really?
Him: Yes sir
Pastor: What makes you think you're ready?
[Secret man-talk about what makes a man "ready" to "take" a wife.]
Pastor: Well son, do you have an eye on anyone in particular?...

and then that conversation led to one that went like this:

His Pastor: One of the sons of my house has an eye on one of your daughters (again...yes...he probably said this)
My Pastor: Is he saved? Does he have a good job? Can he keep a house? Did he finish school?
His Pastor: Yes sir.
My Pastor: Then who does he have his eyes on?
His Pastor: That young girl on your Praise Team.
My Pastor: Well, yes....she's...of age, good church worker....smart...yeah....don't know if she's interested in getting married too quickly....but she'll make a good wife.

Meanwhile: this is not even what's difficult about the process....it is now there are like....secret systems of matchmakers in place at both churches, monitoring the progress of the "relationship" and I DON'T EVEN DATE HIM.

[sigh]

This is the kind of thing that'll drive a good member to the Baptist church.

Peace Be

Adventures in (COGIC) Poetry

So. Last week was the AIMS Conference in good ol' Charlotte, NC, and yours truly was in attendance. Not only in attendance, but I was asked to perform some po-e-try for Mother Rivers, Lady Mae Blake, Lady K. C.-Sheard, Mother Fitts, Dr. Wells, and mad others at the Bishops' Wives' Luncheon. Now. For you non-COGICs, this setting and cast of characters may not sound spectacular...and I too am not normally a person that cares about the "celebrity" of things....but imagine, if you will, what the experience of Oprah asking you to be the first poet ever to preform at the Essence Women in Hollywood Luncheon would be like...and you'll have some idea of how it felt to be me last week. You may tease me if you wish....but I was in little COGIC girl heaven.
--

In completely unrelated news: I want to take up some sort of visual art...obviously not any type of drawing, because i have...no skills in that area.....but something.

Peace Be