Adventures in NaPoWriMo 13/30

This poem is proof that if you are getting an idea as you are falling asleep, you should try to scribble it down or give up on it completely. Otherwise, you inflict this kind of...bla....on your dedicated (6?) readers.

and maybe i don’t thank you enough

for the ways you helped me turn out right

spend too much energy

counting down the ways you got it wrong

but i still laugh like you

repeat my stories

hold the room with an ice cold stare

i got a thing for a jazz

a bigger thing for musicians

i lean into the microphone to get a point across

step back a little when i need the crowd to think

and there is always a crowd

even if it’s just your voice in my head on repeat

i aim to please

for a daddy’s girl who’s more disappointment

than she knows what to do with

it gets hard to carve a space for the leftover love to go

but this i do

and do well

because your baby has learned to be the best

in spite of

to wear your name on my chest

and i am grateful for that

in small ways

that normally go without mention

Adventures in NaPoWriMo 5/30

four years in

and the call of the host is never a shout from any stage

the applause never a thunder of hands from people waiting to hear me speak

as always

i am nine years old and sulking

silently in the corner of my grandmother’s house

refusing to talk to anyone save my cousin about watching for cops on the block

and he

can only get codes i whisper in a way that only family can hear

and everyone is tired of tiptoeing around this quiet child from northern georgia

taking up more of an already too small space in their orlando home

and when i hear the shout of any host

calling me to a microphone

i remember the day my grandmother gave me a pen and said “write a poem”

that the quiet way i kept was eating away at my heart

“and her oldest son’s child wasn’t getting heartsick on her watch”

and since then

anyone calling me to spit

has my grandmother’s voice

reminding me to live

the hands clapping like dinner sizzling on the stove the next room over

and this is family

sharing stories ‘round a kitchen table after a day of work

them

in casual freestyle laughter

me

reading a poem

Adventures in Childbirth

So. Yesterday an old friend of mine began the process of giving birth to her first son, which I knew was happening, but had no idea how excited I would get at the announcement of his arrival. And it was so amazing to witness an entire community of people - some that I had known and lost touch with, some that I've never met - just...show up and support this child and his mother, which is a huge testament to the strength of family - especially the families that we create for ourselves. Anyway. That kind of expression deserves witness, and so with the weight of MLK day and the inaugeration behind us I wrote this.
---
for Nai's son on his birth day

The day may come when the hounds are sent to lick the brown from off your skin
To steal the fire from beneath your eyes
To pull the truth from out your throat
Do not fear
Remember who you are
Remember you chose your own name
You are hurricane, boy
And hustle hard
With love enough to clench your teeth
You are cayenne pepper
And ginger root
This heritage don't come easy
You are warrior and hip hop gospel
You soldier and sound till the sun come boy
Do not let them quiet your music
A prophet was made to sing
And for the days when the song is heavy
Remember your mother is ocean and psalm
She is still water, quick tongue, and a mean right hook
She is law and lawless when it comes to this heart
You are two sides of a coin picked up for good luck
You make your own fortune here
Remember to breathe
Remember to pray
Remember these days are touch and go
Remember this poem
How it comes from the stars brewing inside your belly
Be a galaxy, boy
A courageous heart
Be peace and protest till the lightning falls
Be a light to this world
We welcome you

Adventures in Illness

So.

I remember getting tested for HIV for the first time as being an...unreal experience. SparkONE was helping one of the homies with a project near the campus - teaching teens and 20somethings about the importance of knowing their status. We talked to the girls, did a couple po-ems, and at the end, there were people on site to give tests. Our audience, even after our dope presentation, seemed a little hesitant to volunteer, so all of us that participated in presenting also volunteered to get tested.

I think up until that point I'd had a real casual disregard for the seriousness of any STD. But the very real possibility of this community building activity ending in some awkward conversations with exes laid me out for a few days. Literally. I remember when they called me to review my test results I was laying on the floor and holding my breath. I think I might have struck some very hasty agreement with the Lord along the lines of...if I'm negative, I will walk the straight and narrow for the rest of my life...

For those of you that are getting nervous - this is not one of those confessionals - I tested negative then, and I'm still negative now...but today I'm remembering how the experience of waiting for that phone call made me..zealous about people knowing their status...and how that zeal faded away over time...got back to thinking we were all invincible. But that's just not the case.

I lost my uncle awhile ago to AIDS. And today I found out that my aunt has been fighting that same fight. Has been fighting for awhile now. But all roads are pointing to any any-day-now ending, just because she didn't jump in the ring soon enough.

*sigh*

I know that there are only 4 or so people that pass by this thing with any regularity. But to the 4 of you - know your status. Encourage your friends to know theirs. I figure that finding out too late has to be much more terrifying than the process of finding out at all.

Peace Be

Adventures in Gratitude

so.

with all the connectivity and openness brought about by facebook and twitter and now even the post secret mobile app, i have spent much of the day being bored by the "here's what i'm thankful for" lists of friends, family members, and strangers alike. there's something that seems so disingenuous about posting something like that on this holiday, devoted mainly to mass food consumption and extreme shopping conditions. i mean i get it - it's called thanksgiving. therefore there is an almost compulsive desire to give thanks. but i promise most of the things i read felt like they'd been copied from an eCard and pasted into the status box...

nevertheless.

it's 11:35 and i'm neither sleepy, nor able to wrestle the remote control away from my baby brother in order to watch something coherent on television. so i present to you:

The Official Thanksgiving 2011 List of Things For Which I Am Thankful

(woo!)

I'm thankful most of all for how my relationship with God has been changing, and the ability to separate what is true about my church from what is true about God. and the ability i guess to look at the discrepancy and see how best to love God and to love my church...which you all know i do (cogic for life - son).

Thankful for friendship and all the ways that it presents itself. Thankful for Casper and how it's not always easy to get to know me and then love me....but she has been persistent and resilient...and somehow managed to become and remain my best friend through all of it. Thankful for old friends that I don't get to talk to or see as much....but still know exactly what I mean and what I need when I reach out to them randomly...usually by emailing some hastily written and unfinished po-em..or a random g-chat at 2 in the morn (yeah.. Carrie, Chriss, Di - I'm talking about you). Thankful for unexpected friends like Mary Beth, and unpredictable friends like Jess...both Jesses. Thankful for friends that aren't friends anymore. Even though I miss them dearly.

Thankful for being a part of the kind of family that would post pieces of their Thanksgiving Day on UStream.

Thankful for po-e-try and all the place its taken me the past couple years. Still don't know how long I'm going to do the dance between performance po-et and teacher....don't know who I'm going to leave the dance floor with....but I never imagined that I would get to do some of the stuff that I've done with my words, and I really am grateful for that.

Also for all of the crap that people have been annoying me with all day...a job, place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, et cetera, et cetera...

And I'm grateful to still be here.

Even though it's hard.

It's good to be here.

Peace Be

Adventures in Getting Older

so.

congratulations to me - i made it to another birthday.

i celebrated...mainly by being sick...but also by ignoring my phone every time it buzzed to tell me that someone i haven't talked to in 1 - 5 years was wishing me a happy birthday. when one of my former roommate's names flashed across the screen...for a moment it looked like the badge said, "beyonce wrote on your wall"....and i will admit...that i was secretly excited for approximately 3 milliseconds. but then i came to the realization that (a) she would not be writing on my wall and (b) she might be married to the antiChrist, so i want to limit communication between the two of us as much as possible.

my baby brother is anxiously waiting to take me on some surprise birthday outing, but the projectile vomiting keeps getting in the way. no worries though...you all know how i feel about staying hydrated in the midst of this illness...so i am on top of the water consumption. i am also not overexerting myself with activities like laundry or packing for my trip next week to cali.

in other news: i'm going to to try to get back on my blogging game this summer - there was a bit of a slump post-poetry month, but i'm not disappearing.

until next time...

peace be

Adventures in Parenting

So.

It is no secret that I have a world of issues surrounding my parents, specifically my Pops, that I should probably work through at some point if I'm going to live a happy and healthy life (bla bla bla). These alleged issues tend to affect relations with the folks on a relatively consistent basis, especially when I find myself in the immediate vicinity of the rents.....but yesterday, and today....the two of them have been acting...quite odd.

For example, today the entire family rode to church together....which we haven't done since 1998 when E2 got his driver's license. [Side note: E2 is my big brother. This should be common knowledge....but it might not be.  Also....completely unrelated - church was really good today. It was the first time I've been able to sit still through a service since Thanksgiving. So. Yeah. end note] Post-church....when mom asked what I had taken out for dinner today, Pop's response was: "Let's give her a break today; she's been cooking since she got home." Then he proceeded to ask me where I wanted to eat. A couple things happened at the resteraunt that normally would have caused him to flip out, either there, or in the car, or back at home...instead - he jumped on the Wii with the Munchkin...and is now asleep.

I'm...really starting to wonder what went down on their vacay that's making them (him) act so....human. Also...working on that whole paranoia thing too. Mm.

Peace Be

Adventures in Christmas Cheer

So.

Christmas 2010 has been...great, I think. Start the day off with the usual: church, fancy breakfast, and presents. [Sidenote: "fancy" here is used to mean pancakes. endnote] Gave the munchkin his preliminary presents: guitar stand for his bass, new strap for his bass, new accessories for the keyboard, couple ties, suspenders, new cd...and a couple other random trinkets to tide him over till the "real" gifts are opened when the rents get back home. The rents get back home. We open the rest of the munchkins gifts. We (the munchkin and I) spend....a ridulous amount of time on the Wii; then we (the whole fam) head to the Munchkin's Godparents' house for dinner. Had a blast over there. Mom remembered that Guesstures stresses me out, so when Godpop brought out the box, she somehow recruited enough additional players so that I could preform the duties of the head judge. [Side note: all games are serious...and require the decision making skills of a head judge. This person may also serve in the capacity of official time and score keepers. end note] Dinner was good. Godmom taught me (finally) how to make her bangin' Banana pudding, and now..I'm taking a break to blog before jumping back on the Wii.

Some...things to think about...

Haven't seen my Godbrother in something like 10 years....and he turned out to be beautiful. Like...legit gorgeous. Mm. I don't know what the standard policy is on hooking up with your baby brother's Godbrother....but I got his number anway. Gonna go hang out with him in Atlanta some time next week.

Also...my parents seem...different. To begin, my Mom is like....I speculated around Thanksgiving that she had been gaining weight, but I didn't think too much about it. But like...she ate breakfast, ate again at dinner, brought home some cake. She was mad...active at Godmom's house - it was good. And my Pop....I don't know...he usually finds a way to not be in the same room with me when I'm home...but he was very...just..present all day today. It was just a legit good day - all day....and now that I'm thinking about it - I'm starting to get paranoid that it's a calm before the storm kinda thing...so I'm going to get offline and go play some tennis or something.

Peace Be