Hastily scripted poetry offered as a pseudo-birthday gift to the homie, written in part during end of grade testing, as a precursor to the real gift that is coming.
----
i am already four steps in to a five step plan leading to a life of all beach house
of morning mimosas followed by catnaps and writing these papers for fun
a chef
perfecting made-from-scratch waffles to accompany this afternoon's chicken
and a bride in the corner, with special skill sets, mixing this evening's drinks
this is the vision
clear as a list on a whiteboard
floating in memory as first defense
to your question
here is the answer
i will do as i have been doing
i will appease this promise in the pit of stomach in whatever way i see i fit
namely
i will fall in love again
harder than before if it can be helped
use the heartwood to fuel my hustle
then write enough poems about all of it to catapult me headlong into the fifth and final step
"retire to fucking fiji"
and there will be no guest house
no strangers among us
namely
there will be no regrets
just an open-flamed sunset and handful of poems
as evidence for a life well-spent
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Monday, May 18, 2009
Adventures in Friendship
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Adventures in Reverse Psychology
....i know that we are all tired of the depressive blog posts; so, today i'm going to try a new approach.
Great news guys! I realized today that my life is in utter shambles! :-)
In addition to the normal fun, I awoke to find that I had negative 16 dollars in my bank account, which is great because I'm always looking for real world examples of negative numbers to show my children. I imagined what they might ask. "How do negative numbers occur?"
"Well kids - my impromptu emergency room visit / hospital stay completely wiped out my savings and expendable cash. No problem though - I've already paid my bills, so I should be fine for the month....but surprise, surprise....I FORGOT that I had just enrolled in automatic bill pay for my PREVIOUS stint in the hospital and that stupid loan I had to take out last year....which means overdraft. YAY NEGATIVE NUMBERS!"
No worries. I've already given in to the idea that I might not really be a big girl....and walking everywhere and not eating until the 30th might ease the transition into skinny ho. Woo hoo! And no one really wanted to start taking Depakote again anyway. Who needs it? Not I!
And it gets better!
That brother of mine, who I'm not all that close too, has officially removed me from his life. Apparently, I don't even have to burden myself with his new phone number! How great is that? It's perfect! I'll have more space on my memory card to download a song on, as soon as I fundraise for $1.
Who knew that things could be this amazing?
I am...overwhelmingly excited about what the next few days might bring!
Peace Be
Great news guys! I realized today that my life is in utter shambles! :-)
In addition to the normal fun, I awoke to find that I had negative 16 dollars in my bank account, which is great because I'm always looking for real world examples of negative numbers to show my children. I imagined what they might ask. "How do negative numbers occur?"
"Well kids - my impromptu emergency room visit / hospital stay completely wiped out my savings and expendable cash. No problem though - I've already paid my bills, so I should be fine for the month....but surprise, surprise....I FORGOT that I had just enrolled in automatic bill pay for my PREVIOUS stint in the hospital and that stupid loan I had to take out last year....which means overdraft. YAY NEGATIVE NUMBERS!"
No worries. I've already given in to the idea that I might not really be a big girl....and walking everywhere and not eating until the 30th might ease the transition into skinny ho. Woo hoo! And no one really wanted to start taking Depakote again anyway. Who needs it? Not I!
And it gets better!
That brother of mine, who I'm not all that close too, has officially removed me from his life. Apparently, I don't even have to burden myself with his new phone number! How great is that? It's perfect! I'll have more space on my memory card to download a song on, as soon as I fundraise for $1.
Who knew that things could be this amazing?
I am...overwhelmingly excited about what the next few days might bring!
Peace Be
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Adventures in the Wake Library
I've taken to spending my Saturdays in the Wake library...exploiting the nearby Starbucks, comfy chairs, and pseudo-intellectual conversations from freshmen just discovering the total liberation that could be available if only we would adopt a more socialist form of government. There's a painting of a tube of toothpaste across from my chair that is so amazing I am tempted to steal it from the wall and have it shipped overseas to my god brother for safe keeping. This is the highlight of my week.
...
I am tired. In addition to the general fatigue that comes along with teaching 13-year-olds how to do algebra, I am tired of just getting through the days. In the way that most of you are familiar with - when you've gotten really good at putting on the face...and even though you can feel it slipping, you lack the energy to do anything at all about it. I spent the morning thinking. Because I know that I can tend toward the melodramatic. But I can say with absolute certainty that to date - this has been the hardest year of my life [sidebar: by year i mean birthday to birthday, not january to december. end sidebar]. And not that any one particular thing has happened that is altogether more tragic than anything that has happened any other year...but the steady stress (stress, pain, loneliness, etc) of it all has been more intense. And I am teaching myself not to be angry...at myself, for never really learning how to face it all by myself. But the lesson is slow.
Very slow. And I am genuinely proud of the friends- all the homies who have fantastic hustle and I'd hate to backtrack on anything they've worked so hard for recently - but I would give anything to rewind a year or two to a time when I felt useful in some way..even if only as the family comedian. In-house poet. Head chicken fryer. Whatever.
And that is a large part of the problem. I let myself become so dependent on one person to be my emotional backbone, and when I lost that...I don't necessarily think I expected to find the same backbone in the family i had left, but I know that it didn't happen. And even now there are only four people in the whole of the world that I want to speak to; three are unavailable of no fault of their own, and the fourth is God - which, should be comforting, but sadly is not.
Mm.
Looking up at the clock now, and I realize that I've been in the library for six hours...watching youtube videos and doing fruitless research. Time to go home. Get on the guitar. Maybe drag a poem out of my throat.
Peace Be
...
I am tired. In addition to the general fatigue that comes along with teaching 13-year-olds how to do algebra, I am tired of just getting through the days. In the way that most of you are familiar with - when you've gotten really good at putting on the face...and even though you can feel it slipping, you lack the energy to do anything at all about it. I spent the morning thinking. Because I know that I can tend toward the melodramatic. But I can say with absolute certainty that to date - this has been the hardest year of my life [sidebar: by year i mean birthday to birthday, not january to december. end sidebar]. And not that any one particular thing has happened that is altogether more tragic than anything that has happened any other year...but the steady stress (stress, pain, loneliness, etc) of it all has been more intense. And I am teaching myself not to be angry...at myself, for never really learning how to face it all by myself. But the lesson is slow.
Very slow. And I am genuinely proud of the friends- all the homies who have fantastic hustle and I'd hate to backtrack on anything they've worked so hard for recently - but I would give anything to rewind a year or two to a time when I felt useful in some way..even if only as the family comedian. In-house poet. Head chicken fryer. Whatever.
And that is a large part of the problem. I let myself become so dependent on one person to be my emotional backbone, and when I lost that...I don't necessarily think I expected to find the same backbone in the family i had left, but I know that it didn't happen. And even now there are only four people in the whole of the world that I want to speak to; three are unavailable of no fault of their own, and the fourth is God - which, should be comforting, but sadly is not.
Mm.
Looking up at the clock now, and I realize that I've been in the library for six hours...watching youtube videos and doing fruitless research. Time to go home. Get on the guitar. Maybe drag a poem out of my throat.
Peace Be
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