Adventures in Motherhood

So.

Here are the rules: we're going to talk about this once and only once, and then we're going to forget i mentioned it. kay?

mom is sick. has been for awhile now, and it hadn't bothered me before...but now i'm concerned. i've been here since tuesday, and in that time she's eaten a slice of french toast, half a bowl of soup, couple crackers, one chicken wing, and some corn. today, is when she had the chicken, corn, and toast; my pop says it's the most she's eaten in any one day since thanksgiving. when we read "'twas the night before christmas" before bed, something in my spirit said "this is the last christmas you have with her", and i have yet to shake it. i want to crawl into bed with her like i did once when i was little and hold her, but i know the touching would hurt. she winces when we hug her and hopes we don't see. ok. i lied. i'm not concerned. i'm a little scared.

mm.

Peace Be

Adventures in Argument and Forgiveness

been trying not to dwell. trying to say something that sums up how i feel...been trying not to feel. unsuccessful on all accounts.

well. not dwelling so much. i taught the babies with a smile on my face. i packed. i drove home. i laughed it off when the folks asked where he was. got up this morning. started cooking. said funny things when the sweet potatoes started smoking. played rock band with the baby brother. learned to play mah jong...

...and i know it's only been a few days. but having no real awareness before of how this man has pervaded my life, his very pointed absence is becoming something of a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. i wasn't prepared for it.

mm. i could call him. (yeah, yeah, i know...."you haven't called! *gasp*) but that would take some understanding on my part of the nature of argument and forgiveness. what is a person allowed to say under the umbrella of anger and hurt? i mean...i don't at all pretend to be "blameless" in this situation...but after i've said "i'm sorry" for all that you're angry for, even if you can't offer forgiveness at that point, are you allowed to just froth at the mouth with every hurtful thing you can think of? didn't think so.

....this is the part where i come up with something clever or insightful to tag the post with....not today.

peace be

Adventures in Barnes & Nobles

was at barnes and nobles grading papers on saturday for 4-ish hours. which...in a perfect world means that i was completely productive and all my grading is done...but in this world means that i drank a lot of starbucks and did some journaling.

here's a piece of all that.
---
nowhere near the halfway point of grading, and already i want to tear my hair out with the effort of it..."no babies," i want to say, "'because they look like it' - is nto an acceptable reasoning for congruence. where have you been all week?"

this morning, the ex i'm always writing love poems about sent me a text asking if i was sorry. "no," i say. "there was nothing false about me saying i was suffocating and your greeting this mornign proves it."

i started writing a poem about jeffrey dahmer. it's going to be a love poem i think.

speaking of which...

actually we're not talking about it. if i talk too much i might talk myself out of it. and i've done that once before. twice, depending on how you look at it, but we don't ahve time for that.

what do we have tiem for? let's see:

we have time for daydreams always. here we go:

in a perfect world, me and my closest friends would be at a bonfire on a beach in fiji. there would be poets (because there are always poets) and all the activists whose causes have been won, because why else would we have time for relaxing? no one would have jobs, but it wouldn't matter, because we finally will have tapped into the power of our words, and everything we needed we would make manifest by speaking, or with practice, by thinking. leah would play the guitar. it would remind me of why i believein lvoe at first sight, and i would have learned by then to be frearless. "galumph these nuts" would be an inside joke we'd shout at each other across the flames. my baby sister would love to be alive. our tether to the earth would not be so paper thin and there would be no more need of recklessness. ultimate uno would be the sport of choice, adn i would win 37% of all games. the others, a toss up among the guests.

alright. back to grading.