Adventures in Death

These are the times when I always feel compelled to pull myself together and be "the deep one" I've convinced so many other people I am over the years....say something...do something....meaningful. But I can't ever seem to find the one action that means " I would give anything in this world...and things not of this world if I could manage it - to make the next days hurt a little less"....or any phrase that can make it all better....and silence is not an option. So.

I found these (both by Rumi) a long time ago when a good friend of mine was killed, found them again when I lost my uncle, and I thought I'd give them to you now. Hope they...do whatever it is that words do in times like these...

The Death of Saladin

You left ground and sky weeping, mind
and soul full of grief. No one can
take your place in existence or in
absence. Both mourn, the angels, the
prophets, and this sadness I feel has
taken from me the taste of language,
so that I can't say the flavor of my
being apart. The roof the kingdom
within has collapsed. When I say the
word you, I mean a hundred universes
Pouring grief water, or secret dripping
in the heart, eyes in the head or eyes
of the soul. I saw yesterday that all
these flow out to find you when you're
not here. That bright fire bird Saladin
went like an arrow, and now the bow
trembles and sobs. If you know how to
weep for human beings, weep for Saladin.


Empty Boat

Some huge work goes on growing. how
could one person's words matter? What
is one seed compared to you? On
my death day I'll know the answer. I have
cleared this house, so that your work can,
when it comes, fill every room.

--

Peace Be

Adventures in Friendship

A Poem for the Homie

no one in jersey needs a toothpick from texas before dark on a friday night in november
the road's just not slippery yet
but if you need a snowstorm
god owes me a favor
and i'd break even with heaven to shake up your sky
can you see the moon from where you are?
has she shown you all of her faces?
i'm still learning to love her no less when not full, and see beauty in all of her phases
i miss you
these days absent have been like the dark of new moon, and i'm a satellite unto my self now
still humming that tune about sunshine
someone told me
love
is what you do with your last dime
but i'm tired of affection as afterthought
these days i think of you first
when i consider someone who will always understand even without understanding
my thoughts go quickly to you
across this distance from city to city
phone call to phone call
notebook to notebook
i know
friendship can seem so simple
and poems just words on a page
but these days they're the best i have to offer
but if ever you need that toothpick
or a hurricane
or a phone call and a hug
i have you
god knows
i have you

Adventures in Journaling

*wrote this last night when I couldn't get to a computer, but I still thought I'd share....tried my best not to do any editing...*

It's 12:30 and I want a cigarette more than I want to breathe, which, is the decision I'd be making since the change in weather is aggravating my asthma. Staring at my Bible and Gradebook, wondering why God had to go and say that only fools give themselves to strong drink, and if my fourth period even cares that I haven't had one since my birthday.

I am a teacher now. And if that alone isn't enough to keep you awake at night consider this:
One of my students tells me that she has to quit Drama Club because she needs to be at home to take care of her son. Another asks me whether I think she should get an abortion, or keep the baby and drop out. Found out, the day after he gets expelled, one of my students is homeless. His best friend just got sent to a group home. I feel like searching the streets to tell them they've both pulled a C-...their highest grades since they started school here in 7th grade.

If this were a movie, now is when I'd buy a leather jacket and "get Emilio", but the problem here is not with respect. I am not the "Great White Hope" that they despise because of money or race...I'm just their teacher. And they've got better things to do. Like not starve.

I may have bitten off more adulthood than I can chew.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I know what the key to reaching them is. I try to remind myself what teachers said to me when I walked in high or crying...

I need some vices.
Some legitimate, guilty-pleasure stress relievers to throw myself desperately into. Because all I've got these days are coffee and chocolate...and I'm going to have to give up chocolate for the sake of that stupid dress my brother's making me wear in his wedding.

A smart person would long for healthy choices. Prayer. Meditation. More consistent journaling...but I'm sick of healthy choices. Because I've done the right thing. Been doing the right thing every day when I decide not to quit my job and run away. Every minute I decide not to pick up the phone and call the last person to break my heart. Every time I walk away from the comfort of a pain that is familiar, I'm doing the healthy thing...the healthy thing which has me stressed and lonely in a small town that I love, but wish I could get away from.

I miss my brothers. Want us to be 4, 13, and 16 again spending the day downtown buying Christmas presents for our folks. More than that, I miss my grandmothers. And great aunts. And Maurice. Which is strange, because I never miss them all at once like that...but it's after midnight and I think my subconscious is calling out to anyone that has ever made me feel better.

I need to sleep. Gotta be at my best for my kids in the morning.

Peace Be

Adventures in Strength

Stole this from Nai.

a strong black woman is a woman who's been broken a part into a million pieces but keeps them shits. she dont throw her pieces away. she drags them around in a bag or some shit around with her and she applies them to all the life she has left to live. she lives her life, for someone. maybe her self. her mother. her sibling. her ancestors. her future seeds. and she knows that her life (somewhere deep inside. even if she can't verablize it) is important! she dont know why. she doesn't know where shes gonna go tomorrow.
sometimes i dont even give a fuck where i go tomorrow.
but i know theres gonna be a tomorrow.

***unrelated edit***
Peace Be

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"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth..."

~Isaiah 43:19a