Adventures in Illness

So.

I remember getting tested for HIV for the first time as being an...unreal experience. SparkONE was helping one of the homies with a project near the campus - teaching teens and 20somethings about the importance of knowing their status. We talked to the girls, did a couple po-ems, and at the end, there were people on site to give tests. Our audience, even after our dope presentation, seemed a little hesitant to volunteer, so all of us that participated in presenting also volunteered to get tested.

I think up until that point I'd had a real casual disregard for the seriousness of any STD. But the very real possibility of this community building activity ending in some awkward conversations with exes laid me out for a few days. Literally. I remember when they called me to review my test results I was laying on the floor and holding my breath. I think I might have struck some very hasty agreement with the Lord along the lines of...if I'm negative, I will walk the straight and narrow for the rest of my life...

For those of you that are getting nervous - this is not one of those confessionals - I tested negative then, and I'm still negative now...but today I'm remembering how the experience of waiting for that phone call made me..zealous about people knowing their status...and how that zeal faded away over time...got back to thinking we were all invincible. But that's just not the case.

I lost my uncle awhile ago to AIDS. And today I found out that my aunt has been fighting that same fight. Has been fighting for awhile now. But all roads are pointing to any any-day-now ending, just because she didn't jump in the ring soon enough.

*sigh*

I know that there are only 4 or so people that pass by this thing with any regularity. But to the 4 of you - know your status. Encourage your friends to know theirs. I figure that finding out too late has to be much more terrifying than the process of finding out at all.

Peace Be

Adventures in Gratitude

so.

with all the connectivity and openness brought about by facebook and twitter and now even the post secret mobile app, i have spent much of the day being bored by the "here's what i'm thankful for" lists of friends, family members, and strangers alike. there's something that seems so disingenuous about posting something like that on this holiday, devoted mainly to mass food consumption and extreme shopping conditions. i mean i get it - it's called thanksgiving. therefore there is an almost compulsive desire to give thanks. but i promise most of the things i read felt like they'd been copied from an eCard and pasted into the status box...

nevertheless.

it's 11:35 and i'm neither sleepy, nor able to wrestle the remote control away from my baby brother in order to watch something coherent on television. so i present to you:

The Official Thanksgiving 2011 List of Things For Which I Am Thankful

(woo!)

I'm thankful most of all for how my relationship with God has been changing, and the ability to separate what is true about my church from what is true about God. and the ability i guess to look at the discrepancy and see how best to love God and to love my church...which you all know i do (cogic for life - son).

Thankful for friendship and all the ways that it presents itself. Thankful for Casper and how it's not always easy to get to know me and then love me....but she has been persistent and resilient...and somehow managed to become and remain my best friend through all of it. Thankful for old friends that I don't get to talk to or see as much....but still know exactly what I mean and what I need when I reach out to them randomly...usually by emailing some hastily written and unfinished po-em..or a random g-chat at 2 in the morn (yeah.. Carrie, Chriss, Di - I'm talking about you). Thankful for unexpected friends like Mary Beth, and unpredictable friends like Jess...both Jesses. Thankful for friends that aren't friends anymore. Even though I miss them dearly.

Thankful for being a part of the kind of family that would post pieces of their Thanksgiving Day on UStream.

Thankful for po-e-try and all the place its taken me the past couple years. Still don't know how long I'm going to do the dance between performance po-et and teacher....don't know who I'm going to leave the dance floor with....but I never imagined that I would get to do some of the stuff that I've done with my words, and I really am grateful for that.

Also for all of the crap that people have been annoying me with all day...a job, place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, et cetera, et cetera...

And I'm grateful to still be here.

Even though it's hard.

It's good to be here.

Peace Be

Adventures in Poetry

he who can, does. he who cannot, teaches.

~George Bernard Shaw

i find it reckless
the endless commentary on love
the sound we have made to silence the truth
that lonely
has made its best friend of you
even in all of your love poem
all of your love song
and all love making
you have never once been in love
the way you promise in all of your words
i find you
at best
a liar
and at worst
a vagrant heart
i find you
small
in all of your far-fetched declaration
promises you have no power to make true
i find it strange
that in all of this love talk
no one has ever made a lover of you

Adventures in Sulking

so.

today was the first day since "the incident" my first year, that i was legitimately concerned that i was going to lose my job. i spent much of the morning searching the faculty handbooks, looking through the civility policies, professional standards, the whole nine - trying to piece together a reasonable explanation for when i was called to the carpet this morning.

but the more i searched, the more i pieced....the less worried i became about the outcome of this meeting. i mean, i have said "i don't care" before - but i really did not care whether or not today was my last day inside of that school buidling. i tried to drum up some concern about the nothing that is in my bank account, and parlay that into some desire to fight for this job...but it would not happen.

and then i tried to garner the testicular fortitude to turn in my 30 days and peace out, but i couldn't do that either. i have sense enough to know that too much purposelessness in my days will be the thing that finally makes me jump off a bridge or something, and so i can't quit my job until i have some sort of direction. that, however, requires some knowledge of what it is i want to do with myself, and i don't have it. i couldn't even convince myself that i really wanted to pursue writing in any way that could stave off homelessness.

i'm 26. i'm unhappy. i'm lonley. i hate my job. and i have no goals.
the following comes to mind:

Peace Be