Adventures in Being Held Hostage

Things that are fun at 3 in the morning:

• Watching infomercials
• Eating leftovers
• Thinking of all the things you could be doing....but won't do because you refuse to leave the bed
• Calling homies on the west coast that you know are up at midnight
• Calling homies on the east coast that you know are not up at 3am
• Waking people (or a nearby person) up in other ways
• Going back to sleep

Things that are not fun:

• Being locked in what suddenly feels like a very strange place
• Remembering that it would be rude to jimmy your friend's door
• Having a panic attack
• Trying not to scream

I am tired.

That is all.

Peace Be

Adventures in COGIC Dating

So.

In order to fully explain the concept of two COGICs dating...I'd have to begin with a thourough examination of caste systems and arranged marriages as practiced by certiain feudal soceities in the early Asian dynasties...but instead I'll leave you to your own reasearch concerning those matters, and trust that the previous statement alone will give you some basic understanding of what it was like to be me, at Starbucks, last night.

I would not dare suggest, that the COGICs have divided the members into classes...and we definitely do not promote arragned marriage...however....having a conversation with a COGIC boy who wants to date you...might go something like this:

Me: You're a great guy and I'm glad we're friends, but I'm not trying to date anyone right now.
Him: I can be patient.
Me : I....really don't think that's a wise decision on your part.
Him: I think that you're going to be ready to date much sooner than you think.
Me: What?
Him: I think that you're going to be ready to date much sooner than you think .
Me: pause...Look. I appreciate [bla, bla, bla....] but seriously...if you can't just be my friend then...we should stop hanging out.
Him: We are not hanging out.
Me: [confused and slightly angry face]
Him: This is a date.

Now. What's even more tricky is why a conversation would go like this. It is not natural stubborness...it is not actual oblivion...it is not even that he's certain that he likes me all that much - it is because he is COGIC and at some point...he had a conversation with his Pastor that went like this:

Him: I think I'm ready to take a wife (yes....he probably said this)
Pastor: Really?
Him: Yes sir
Pastor: What makes you think you're ready?
[Secret man-talk about what makes a man "ready" to "take" a wife.]
Pastor: Well son, do you have an eye on anyone in particular?...

and then that conversation led to one that went like this:

His Pastor: One of the sons of my house has an eye on one of your daughters (again...yes...he probably said this)
My Pastor: Is he saved? Does he have a good job? Can he keep a house? Did he finish school?
His Pastor: Yes sir.
My Pastor: Then who does he have his eyes on?
His Pastor: That young girl on your Praise Team.
My Pastor: Well, yes....she's...of age, good church worker....smart...yeah....don't know if she's interested in getting married too quickly....but she'll make a good wife.

Meanwhile: this is not even what's difficult about the process....it is now there are like....secret systems of matchmakers in place at both churches, monitoring the progress of the "relationship" and I DON'T EVEN DATE HIM.

[sigh]

This is the kind of thing that'll drive a good member to the Baptist church.

Peace Be

Adventures in....Bla

So. I've spent the past hour or so trying to write a version of this that doesn't seem pathetic, but I got nothing.

Suffice to say that today was a bad day, and I'm not doing a good job of separating what something is, from the way that it feels. And I'm usually better at that, because I know I'm not supposed to trust how I feel.

I....think I tried to do too much. I... would like to disappear for a few days and get my head back together.

Peace Be

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Adventures in Po-e-try

this is a psalm for the words that won't come
especially on nights they are needed the most
for the gut wrench of silence in a musical throat
to the poem that will not be written
i miss you
like a girl misses her father
the first time she sees he might not be god
how i would you were not so breakable
how i wish you would find your way home


Peace Be

Adventures in Insomnia

So.

Every personal blog that I follow is doing some type of....New Year - New Me posting here at the beginning of 2011, and in some regards I feel compelled to do the same thing (case in point - I taught all my classes today and yesterday), but for the most part I find all of this New Year's Propaganda a little disingenuous. What about January 1st makes you a different person than you were on December 31st? And if you can become this completely new and improved version of yourself all of a sudden....why didn't you do that last week? Can we also start making...Ides of March resolutions? Because that would make as much sense. Mm.

Also. I'm back to not sleeping properly....which is...fine. A little nervous about the excessive forgetfulness. And the losing everything. And the random crying. And the having to talk really slowly so the stuttering thing doesn't happen. But other than that....things are great. Haven't smoked anything in two weeks....which is good....and I ate two meals yesterday. This is progress. I'm excelling.


Peace Be