Adventures in Illness

So.

I remember getting tested for HIV for the first time as being an...unreal experience. SparkONE was helping one of the homies with a project near the campus - teaching teens and 20somethings about the importance of knowing their status. We talked to the girls, did a couple po-ems, and at the end, there were people on site to give tests. Our audience, even after our dope presentation, seemed a little hesitant to volunteer, so all of us that participated in presenting also volunteered to get tested.

I think up until that point I'd had a real casual disregard for the seriousness of any STD. But the very real possibility of this community building activity ending in some awkward conversations with exes laid me out for a few days. Literally. I remember when they called me to review my test results I was laying on the floor and holding my breath. I think I might have struck some very hasty agreement with the Lord along the lines of...if I'm negative, I will walk the straight and narrow for the rest of my life...

For those of you that are getting nervous - this is not one of those confessionals - I tested negative then, and I'm still negative now...but today I'm remembering how the experience of waiting for that phone call made me..zealous about people knowing their status...and how that zeal faded away over time...got back to thinking we were all invincible. But that's just not the case.

I lost my uncle awhile ago to AIDS. And today I found out that my aunt has been fighting that same fight. Has been fighting for awhile now. But all roads are pointing to any any-day-now ending, just because she didn't jump in the ring soon enough.

*sigh*

I know that there are only 4 or so people that pass by this thing with any regularity. But to the 4 of you - know your status. Encourage your friends to know theirs. I figure that finding out too late has to be much more terrifying than the process of finding out at all.

Peace Be

Adventures in Gratitude

so.

with all the connectivity and openness brought about by facebook and twitter and now even the post secret mobile app, i have spent much of the day being bored by the "here's what i'm thankful for" lists of friends, family members, and strangers alike. there's something that seems so disingenuous about posting something like that on this holiday, devoted mainly to mass food consumption and extreme shopping conditions. i mean i get it - it's called thanksgiving. therefore there is an almost compulsive desire to give thanks. but i promise most of the things i read felt like they'd been copied from an eCard and pasted into the status box...

nevertheless.

it's 11:35 and i'm neither sleepy, nor able to wrestle the remote control away from my baby brother in order to watch something coherent on television. so i present to you:

The Official Thanksgiving 2011 List of Things For Which I Am Thankful

(woo!)

I'm thankful most of all for how my relationship with God has been changing, and the ability to separate what is true about my church from what is true about God. and the ability i guess to look at the discrepancy and see how best to love God and to love my church...which you all know i do (cogic for life - son).

Thankful for friendship and all the ways that it presents itself. Thankful for Casper and how it's not always easy to get to know me and then love me....but she has been persistent and resilient...and somehow managed to become and remain my best friend through all of it. Thankful for old friends that I don't get to talk to or see as much....but still know exactly what I mean and what I need when I reach out to them randomly...usually by emailing some hastily written and unfinished po-em..or a random g-chat at 2 in the morn (yeah.. Carrie, Chriss, Di - I'm talking about you). Thankful for unexpected friends like Mary Beth, and unpredictable friends like Jess...both Jesses. Thankful for friends that aren't friends anymore. Even though I miss them dearly.

Thankful for being a part of the kind of family that would post pieces of their Thanksgiving Day on UStream.

Thankful for po-e-try and all the place its taken me the past couple years. Still don't know how long I'm going to do the dance between performance po-et and teacher....don't know who I'm going to leave the dance floor with....but I never imagined that I would get to do some of the stuff that I've done with my words, and I really am grateful for that.

Also for all of the crap that people have been annoying me with all day...a job, place to stay, food to eat, clothes to wear, et cetera, et cetera...

And I'm grateful to still be here.

Even though it's hard.

It's good to be here.

Peace Be

Adventures in Poetry

he who can, does. he who cannot, teaches.

~George Bernard Shaw

i find it reckless
the endless commentary on love
the sound we have made to silence the truth
that lonely
has made its best friend of you
even in all of your love poem
all of your love song
and all love making
you have never once been in love
the way you promise in all of your words
i find you
at best
a liar
and at worst
a vagrant heart
i find you
small
in all of your far-fetched declaration
promises you have no power to make true
i find it strange
that in all of this love talk
no one has ever made a lover of you

Adventures in Sulking

so.

today was the first day since "the incident" my first year, that i was legitimately concerned that i was going to lose my job. i spent much of the morning searching the faculty handbooks, looking through the civility policies, professional standards, the whole nine - trying to piece together a reasonable explanation for when i was called to the carpet this morning.

but the more i searched, the more i pieced....the less worried i became about the outcome of this meeting. i mean, i have said "i don't care" before - but i really did not care whether or not today was my last day inside of that school buidling. i tried to drum up some concern about the nothing that is in my bank account, and parlay that into some desire to fight for this job...but it would not happen.

and then i tried to garner the testicular fortitude to turn in my 30 days and peace out, but i couldn't do that either. i have sense enough to know that too much purposelessness in my days will be the thing that finally makes me jump off a bridge or something, and so i can't quit my job until i have some sort of direction. that, however, requires some knowledge of what it is i want to do with myself, and i don't have it. i couldn't even convince myself that i really wanted to pursue writing in any way that could stave off homelessness.

i'm 26. i'm unhappy. i'm lonley. i hate my job. and i have no goals.
the following comes to mind:

Peace Be

Adventures in Teaching

So.

The original intent of this post was going to be to vent about the newest batch of crap that comes along with being a classroom teacher...but just thinking about it in a way that makes the rant coherent enough to write about has exhausted me.

I am tired.

Peace Be

Adventures in Silence

So.

I been trying to write a post for a long time now...but I've got nothing to say. Rather, I'm full of things to say...but no way to say them.

I wish someone could tell me how it is that my life ended up here.

Peace Be

Adventures in Absence

so.

it feels like ages since i've had anything to contribute to cyberspace, but in truth it's only been a couple of weeks. funny what can happen in a few weeks....or not happen, but still feel so heavy. i'm very tired. even with all of the "boring" that my life has been recently, i still have managed to be exhausted most of the time.

i was reminded earlier about my past obsession with "before and after" moments, and it's starting to feel like the next few days might drop another one of mine at my feet. i'm not ready for it. i don't know...maybe i am...maybe i'm just scared...maybe i need to suck it up and accept what's coming like an adult.

i don't know that i have anything worthwhile to contribute beyond this....perhaps more later.

Peace Be

Adventures in Po-e-try

Here's a little ditty that sort of spilled onto the page a couple days ago:

26 years ago today, a child was born
in the same way
3 years from now, a stranger will die
down the block from the ribbon cutting of a brand new business
hours before the wedding bells chime
they will sound like angels welcoming home
the first baby to be aborted that day
there will be birthday cake
and wishing on stars
trips to the cemetery
then to the synagogue
shoulder of the highway to place fresh flowers near a cross
then on to a festival of light and music
to conjure a storm from the folly of time
we dance
the world over in celebration
of these moments no one else will consider sacred
but we hold them like candles
to commemorate a lifetime worthy of passing by
“happy anniversary,” we say
or “birthday”
“congratulations”
“i miss him still”
we offer hugs and handshakes
violent tears
to some presents
others presence
and silence
i wonder the stories
that could fill this room
about this day many years ago
about how it rocked us away from the person we always thought we would become
and slowly began molding us into the someone we are now
let’s mark this moment
as the one we realize everyone is guilty
of forcing memories quiet into the camouflage of their skin
as if this world were only hungry for the lie of happy endings
let us celebrate
the love and loss that crumbles us like mountains
take heart in knowing someone else is celebrating too
even if it looks like mourning
the world over with grieve with you

---

I don't have any real commentary on the piece, except to say that I like it - all obvious errors in form and content notwithstanding. Also as of yet there's no title...mainly because I suck at them. Our good friend Kholi has a version of this  piece that you should check out here, and then be sure to check out all the other iMagnificence that she's got happening over yonder.

Also - school is back in full swing, so be on the look out for my upbeat postings concerning the current state of education, examples of high-quality parenting, and bright future of our world...(is it too early for sarcasm?)

Peace Be

Adventures in NPS 2011 (Part 4)

So.

Few things hurt worse than the pain of having something be in reach...to utterly impossible in a matter of minutes. Piedmont finishes Nats tonight with a ranking somewhere in the 30s I think; wasn't able to calculate it precisely because of the bouts haven't been officially posted it yet. Definitely sucks that it was my score that took us out of the running. Definitely sucks that I got the lowest score of the entire bout that night.

But it was also a humbling experience...which was needed because I have been behaving as though I'm the big fish on the team. Praise God that the humbling experience didn't involve me going completley blank on stage or any other horror story that I'll have to replay in my mind later on. This is just me - making sure that I remember the points is the po-e-try, not the po-et, and that I should stop throwing my weight around like everything I slam is golden [side note: just re-read yesterday's post....sad face to me....wow]. AND a couple other lessons I think, but I can hear the sappy end-credit music swelling in the background, and so I have to step off of this particular soapbox.

What else? Maybe tomorrow I'll get to actually see some of the city. I'm down for being a tourist until I go cheer like a crazy person at the semi finals.

Peace Be

Adventures in NPS 2011 (Part 3)

So.

The first bout was going great. Great like E and Kross won their round. Great like, I tied with the other high scoring poet in my round. Great like E won her indie round. Great like we were up by a full point.....and then the last homie got a time penalty. And we took the 2. I know that the points are not the point....but I was mad I could hardly see straight. At time penalty?! That's a mistake for rookies at regionals...ESPECIALLY...when your piece is 20 seconds longer than it needs to be because you feel the need to sing AND do a dedication in the beginning. Come on sir. This is not your home venue. Poetry is "for the people" during the day events this week; when you get on stage at night, I need you to coms e to win.

That's right.

Angry post.

Peace Be

Adventures in NPS 2011 (Part 2)

So.

Today was the first official day of Nats...and I'm sincerely hoping that it is not an indication of how the rest of the week is going to go. We missed the haiku death match prelims,  missed the workshop with Patricia Smith, the bout we really wanted to see was at capacity and not letting people in, the second choice bout was at capacity, walked in the rain to the third choice....you guessed it - at capacity, and so we just left. Hopped the train back to Emmanuel, and of course by "hopped" I mean, got completely turned around and had an unpleasant run in with one of the attendants before successfully locating the correct path home. Sigh.

But this post is not about that. This post is about being...concerned.

So of course I'm pretty much completely broke [side note: medicine is hella expensive] and checked my bank account several times to try to work out a way to you know...eat here in Bean Town and still survive when I make it back to the Dash. I made a pretty strict budget for myself, and made a note of what the consequence of not following that budget would be. But today I literally could not stop myself from buying extras. Like...the impulse to get things immediately and keep spending until there is nothing left is starting to overpower my rationale - to the point that I was getting visibly anxious and couldn't breathe in this one spot where I wanted to buy a shirt and was trying to talk myself out of it. Even now the back of my mind is racing with all of things I want to buy tomorrow so much so that I want to get dressed and see what shops are open. My teammate is going back out tonight to see our coach compete in the Slam Master's Slam, but I'm going to stay in. I even put on my PJ's.

Good news - No smoking thus far.
Bad news - Sam Adams is sponsoring an open bar for the after party on Saturday. That's going to be challenging.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm hoping that much of the stress and pressure to buy things was brought on by the curve balls that the day threw at us. Because of them however, we have better learned to navigate the city and know how early to show up to the tiny venues if we want seats...so there wont' be quite as much of it tomorrow. Plus - I finally get to hit the stage...which I've been itching to do since we landed. I plan to go...all the way in.

Peace Be

Adventers in NPS 2011 (Part 1)

So.

We've arrived here in Boston, and after taking a bus, two trains, and walking about a mile, we've arrived here at lovely Emmanuel, where we will be staying for the duration of the trip. Very excited to say that Bull City will be here with this tomorrow, which will lead to some interesting times post-poeting in the evening. Also excited to say that we have no bouts later on today....E and LB are competing in the haiku death match; Ish is taking on the Slam Masters' Slam in the evening....but nothing "official". It will be good to have the day off after the stress of travel.

My temper is trying to get the best of me....I'm having very little patience for two of my teammates and the tag-along-girlfriend of one of the teammates...but at the moment I'm going to attribute it to the lateness of the hour, and hope that tomorrow, after a good night's sleep and a little time with Jesus, that I'll be more patient.

That's all the update I can muster for the moment. Perhaps tomorrow, I can provide something a little more insightful .

Peace Be

Adventures in Emotional Productivity

So.

I've spent quite some time between 2006 and now, developing a systems for myself to fall back on when things are starting to become intense emotionally. Those of you have been around for any length of time have seen the evolution of those systems into kind of a two-step guide to handling all emotionally volatile situations:

1. Remind yourself, "how something feels is not necessarily how it actually is"
2. Only respond to how it is; never respond to how it feels,

and it occurred to me today that this "checklist", while at a very surface level seems effective, may be not be the kind of "be all, end all" that I thought it might. I mean, you'd have to consider first of all that usually I start thinking about personal productivity during states of hypomania - those two or three months when you find me cranking out po-ems, and thinking about expanding my writing to other genres, and cleaning regularly, and all these other things that seem to be on this "path towards health". I was thinking the other day about the conversation Nash has with his doctor in A Beautiful Mind, where the doctor refutes Nash's claim that he apply his own mental strength to his illness, because his mind is where the problem is. Beyond that, I've come to this place where I'm ultimately dismissive of every emotion that I have, but that can't be valid either... because this illness that I only admit occasionally to having is about...severity and duration of emotion, not about the emotions themselves. And finally, I've gotten in this really bad habit of only expressing the emotion that I know I'm supposed to have, and not being honest about any of the other things going on with me...and repression leads to depression and bla bla bla...

I do not know what the solution here is. 

I keep wrestling with this idea of God's promise to provide peace and joy and what not to his children and then this notion that I'm somehow unable to feel that joy 70% of the time because of some chemical imbalance that needs to be corrected with pills. It just seems...antithetical to who and what God is. Except on this whole different level which I can also appreciate theologically it's not...because I don't expect for him to supernaturally cure the rest of the illnesses in the world or end hunger or all of that. Mm.

My baby sister asked me once why I'd been so willing to smoke or drink or whatever else in order to "feel better" but was so opposed to going the prescribed antidepressant route...and I just think it's dangerous to cross this threshold from taking something every now and again to feel better to taking something consistently to feel normal.

In short - I feel very much like an exposed nerve ending - feeling too much and not knowing how to deal with it.

Peace Be

Adventures in Consolidation

So.

A few questions have rolled in about the moving of the blog to a new address, which I understand and appreciate, and so I'd like to explain myself a bit. No...this is not one of the random and seemingly innocuous things I do right before self-destruction commences. On the contrary, this is one of the seemingly innocuous things I do that's actually about being healthy.

For one, the old address was long and cumbersome, right? This new one is short and funny, and more importantly - it's my name. I'm very much over having these...varied factions of my life that I feel some great need to keep separate from each other, and so I consolidated my space. Deleted these kind of old email addresses and google/yahoo accounts that I keep around for the sole purpose of being able to have these places that can't really be connected to me unless you're in..."the know", and am - in general - teaching myself the difference between privacy and secrecy. I mean, the former can be, at times, a personal/professional necessity...the latter is unhealthy.

Today, I'm very much in a...be all of who you are, even the contradictory parts....kinda mood.

Peace Be

Adventures in Bridesmaidery

so.

i've...more or less survived this pre-wedding weekend with one of my oldest friends and various bridesmaids out here in burlington. of course by survived - i mean we are currently nursing the bride-to-be's mega hangover. you all may be familiar with the more common symptoms of headache and mild nausea, but this girl runs the full gambit of possible hangover symptoms, and if it's anything like the last time we got wasted together - she'll be pretty out of it until much later on this evening.

the weekend was hard in an entirely different way than i expected it to be. i will admit to having a rough moment and a half on yesterday evening, but i rallied relatively quickly and well and ended up having a pretty decent time [sidenote: praise god for friends that respond quickly when you send out the "i'm spiraling" text message. i was, in some sense, overwhelemed by the response]

in other news - being broke is not fun. as conflicted as i am about the end of the summer approaching, i want the end of this particular month to hurry up and get here. so much to do, so few resources with which to get it done.

peace be

Adventures in Mysticism

so.

i've got someone new poking around in my brain, trying to help me make more sense of myself. she's got an actual couch in the office, which we know i'm not a huge fan of, but i tried not to judge her immediately - even though it was floral and kinda uncomfortable (and not uncomfortable in that psychosomatic way...but actually lumpy and unsupportive).

the whole experience of it felt sort of...inauthentic on several levels. to begin - the first session with someone knew is more "vitals" and "history" than anything else, and beyond that, there's an acute awareness on both sides of the conversation that i'd rather not be participating in the whole... "i'm crazy; talking about it will help" enterprise.

however.
she keeps hershey kisses instead of peppermints;
she's mildly hilarious;
and she shut up long enough for me to think.
so she gets another visit.

homework for visit number two - write a poem about God.
any thoughts on how to pull that off?

peace be

Adventures in Po-e-try

So.

For some odd and unknown reason..the weather has trickled its way into my work lately. And not in any clear or cohesive way...but in that lofty carrie rudzinski sort of way. Not that i think i write anything like her, but in this way that the reaction to her work is so completely visceral, you never really care whether or not you understand what she's talking about.

To sum up:
I'm writing weird poems.
None are finished.
I don't know what they're about.
Here's one for you to enjoy.

---

i am walking down the highway
into the eye of the storm
searching for a metaphor
in how the lightning flashes
when i realize
the sky don't change colors
the blue they will be in the morning
is the blue they are right now
if only it were light enough to see
and the strobing electric crack of thunder
is trying to show us the sameness of it all
and i wonder why i am afraid

Adventures in Anger

so.

here are a list of healthy ways to deal with anger:

• write about your feelings
• instead of writing, talk about those feelings
• go for a drive
• find some creative outlet - listen to music and dance it out
• find something else physical to do  maybe exercise or wii sports

perhaps slightly less healthy...but also fun:

• screaming at people and/or inatimate objects
• breaking...smalll, unimportnat objects

and if that doesn't work:

• revert to old and familiar patterns of destructive behavior.

really pissed off.
working on it.

peace be

Adventures in Getting Older

so.

congratulations to me - i made it to another birthday.

i celebrated...mainly by being sick...but also by ignoring my phone every time it buzzed to tell me that someone i haven't talked to in 1 - 5 years was wishing me a happy birthday. when one of my former roommate's names flashed across the screen...for a moment it looked like the badge said, "beyonce wrote on your wall"....and i will admit...that i was secretly excited for approximately 3 milliseconds. but then i came to the realization that (a) she would not be writing on my wall and (b) she might be married to the antiChrist, so i want to limit communication between the two of us as much as possible.

my baby brother is anxiously waiting to take me on some surprise birthday outing, but the projectile vomiting keeps getting in the way. no worries though...you all know how i feel about staying hydrated in the midst of this illness...so i am on top of the water consumption. i am also not overexerting myself with activities like laundry or packing for my trip next week to cali.

in other news: i'm going to to try to get back on my blogging game this summer - there was a bit of a slump post-poetry month, but i'm not disappearing.

until next time...

peace be

Adventures in Darwinian Thought

So.

I spent much of my yesterday sulking, pseudo-cleaning, and watching po-e-try videos on YouTube. Normally, I would share with you the names of the po-ets that I was watching, especially since one of them inspired the po-em I'm going to share with you in a few moments....but a more careful review of the content of the po-em made me see that this may not be the best course of action.

I don't know...maybe if you ask me politely I'll tell you who inspired it. As of yet no title...but I'm sure one will come. Enjoy.

---

I wonder if the people that look like monkeys know that they look like monkeys
I wonder if it keeps them up at night
wrestling with theories of evolution
Like, "How could I have been formed from the dust with ears and cheekbones like these?"
I wonder if they eat bananas in public
If I looked like a monkey,
I would not eat bananas in public
Kids can be cruel enough without handing them free ammunition
A Korean boy in my first grade class looked exactly like a monkey
One playtime another boy told him, "My dad said you could be a nigger"
Then they both laughed while Ms. Quewen  got really, really upset
The next morning
Our character word for the week morphed from "honesty" to "tolerance"
I'd probably stay away from berries too
And throwing feces at people
which is probably a good idea even if you don't look like a monkey
but even more so if you do
same as spending a lot of time in trees

I wonder if the people that look like monkeys are sad that they look like monkeys
or excited to so succinctly display the commonalities of our DNA
Like "I represent the missing evidence in all of Darwin's research
If he had had Facebook
He'd have been glad to be my friend"
I wonder if Darwin had any friends
And if they all looked like monkeys
If I looked like a monkey
I would not be Darwin's friend
He seems like the kind of guy that would try to bring bananas to all of his picnics

Adventures in Silence

"Confession is always weakness. The grave soul keeps its own secrets, and takes its own punishment in silence" ~ Dorothy Dix

So.

I feel strangley absent after giving you people (all...what? 6 of you) something to read every day or so for the past month....nevertheless....I've got nothing to say....about anything.

Um....Osama's dead.
Gas prices are still up.
Character of Americans has been revealed to be type shady as they celebrated the death of another human being.
For some reason people equate the death of Osama with an end to the "war on terror"....which will give government a temporary window to go completely apeshit while we dance in the streets.
Been very sad lately.
Don't really have the words to say why.
Rather...have the words....don't see the point in using them.
Nothing new about that.
Tired of wanting a life I know I'm not going to get.

Peace Be

Adventures in 30/30

the trouble of writing a poem every day
is one of revelation
if insight came this easy
with the clang of each alarm
we'd greet ourselves
"i see you " each morning
then move throughout the day
on the air of truth and light
unafraid to touch and go
the only poems would be our hands
reaching out to hold another
each fingertip a psalm in its own right
we'd carry them open in constant surrender
our palms the clean slate on which heaven would write

Adventures in 27/30

i have always hated the way a lie feels
scraping across the roof of my mouth
its hardened edges like sour candy
pulling at the crease in my jawbone
i do not remember
when this hollow feeling
became easier to stomach
than telling the truth
but i know
pulling off a deception
can be as easy as writing a poem

Adventures in 26/30

we are both perfectionists
working on goodbye
neither satisfied
to simply walk away
i swear
there is no heart here left to break
you may
have just gotten it right

Adventures in 25/30

So.

Today's po-em is none of your business.

It is the official final version of Lynsita's po-em, which means that she gets to be the first person to see it. And since she doesn't get to see/hear it until tomorrow (maybe)...you don't get to either.

To get your poetic fix for the day, check out Daniel Carpenter over at Winter Hill. Once you go there, you might want to check out the NaPoWriMo site for some good prompts and po-e-try.

Peace Be

---
ok. i know you were waiting...holding your breath for it even...a po-em for Lynsita...who is reading "over my shoulder" as we speak. enjoy.

there is more than one way to hold a broken heart so the pieces don't hurt your fingers
i don't think she knows this
she carries her childhood like a magic someone should apologize for
we are on opposite ends of anything that needs comparing
we are as close to fantastic as any good story should get
when i call her perfect
i do not mean to say that she is flawless
only a just-in-time answer to a long forgotten prayer
for someone to come with no strings attached
who wasn't so touch and go
not so desperate around the edges
not so well taught to run away
these days i wonder when i will break her
gentle heart into stone
like precious metal ground to dust from the weight of knowing
someone who don't come easy
whose heart is like shards of glass
i cannot imagine we had each other in mind
when we pictured a future best friend
but i love her
enough to hold her hand when it hurts to need someone
and she
wrote me a poem
reminded me who i was
like a one-on-one tutorial on how to hold a broken heart

Adventures in 23/30

when i wrote the poem
i used these words
because there was no other choice
days later
i cannot trust that this will still be true
i am no expert
on language
or even myself
please
do not expect me to know what this means

Adventures in the Final Push

So.

Here we are - April 23rd - and only a week's worth of po-ems to go. I will admit that I have not been doing a good job of following the work of my fellow NaPoets...but I'm going to try to give energy to reading at some point before the month is over.

Also, this Tuesday I'm featuring at the library reading...which meas I've got to write a po-em on the theme I chose (does anyone remember what that was?), and I've got to edit some of my NaPo-ems for reading.

Much to do. Much to do.

Peace Be

Adventures in 22/30

baby brothers are their own brand of magic
it comes from the holes in their jeans
the same ones your big brother wore
before you
and finally him
like a marathon race to adulthood

Adventures in 20/30 (b)

the moon steals all her
shine from the sun and is not
ever called "hater"

Adventures in 20/30

So.

Yesterday I took my first official day off. And although I don't owe an explanation - I'll tell you that most of my brain power went to trying to find comfortable ways to sit/lay down so that my body wouldn't hurt quite so bad.

I don't, however, want to leave you poem-less...because you need 30 po-ems this month - even if they don't all come from me.

To that end, I'll send you to indiefeed and the po-e-try of Jon Sands. This po-em, entitled On the Bus in Queens, made me laugh out loud on several occasions. While you're there, you should check out the poets index on the channel; it's a great way to get to know the work of some pretty amazing po-ets that you might not otherwise get a chance to hear.

Alright. I'm off to work on #21

Peace Be

Adventures in 17/30

if the goal of every living thing is to die
then i am making great progress

it's calculated risk anyway
vegetables for the salad
aspirin for the headache
another good time
and you're there
like a flash of light inside your sternum
cracking you open to the fingertips
good morning

every day is one day less

Adventures in 16/30

So.

Number 16 comes to us courtesy of the GFDC Women's Day Program. The COGICs asked me a week or so ago to compose something for the theme "women of the most high, walking by faith"....so of course i started it last night around 10. I intended to write an additional po-em to be number 16...but my brain hurts, and I need to rest it so I can write today's piece.

So. Here is what the good people of Greater Faith heard this morn.

---
so here's what we know
we know faith is the substance of things hoped for
the evidence of things not seen
we know that it cones by hearing
and hearing by the word
that without it
it's impossible to please Him
we know that all it takes to move a mountain
is faith as a grain of mustard seed
we've heard name it and claim it
believe it and receive it
as the 2-step method to ensure a blessing
but i wonder
when push is pressed against shove
is to act in faith our first response
or do we falter at the call to put faith in action
because our faith walk is out of practice
let's examine
Hebrews 11:6 says the first act of faith is to trust who God is
i mean
you cannot walk with someone
until you know who you're walking with
so what [do] you know
about a God who sustains the world
on the exhaled breath of his spoken word
a God who hastens to perform
miracles on behalf of those called his own
the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful one
the great I am and Lord of Lords
and we know
all this is not enough
to get at the fullness of his attributes
you know what they say about 10000 tongues
but i know
if we can understand
even a glimpse of the size of his stature
it will quickly put in perspective
the truth about our circumstance
what seems impossible in our own hands
is a light affliction when carried by his
so we walk by faith
and not by sight
which doesn't mean we turn a blind eye to what's real about what we're going through
we just understand there's nothing more real than the promise of God which is always sure
the same faith
by which we are saved and justified
in times of trouble we don't falter
we take that faith and live by it

Adventures in 14/30

these days
it's hard not to count down the minutes
until space and time finally collide
like a big bang happening in present space
on a far more personal scale
do you still believe in miracles?
did you know they grow tired too?
fireflies and shooting stars all change trajectory
we may never know the man in the moon
but i am not afraid now
the seconds fell like sand
sifting through my fingers
and i am poised to brush off my palms
it's all dust now anyway
in a large hourglass
ticking the moments away

Adventures in 13/30

washington d.c
is a beautiful nightmare
curse eighth grade field trips

Adventures in 11/30

this is a poem for the way i would hold you now when i know that i cannot
like a redwood box filled with tokens
each to stand as memory
your arms
and shoulders
and delicate smell
marked with the first time i called you my own
all tucked away like a time capsule
that will never be rendered up

Adventures in NaPoWriMo

So.
We're nine days in, and I thought I'd pause for a minute and reflect on the goings on of the month, poetic and otherwise.

To begin, I must - in the spirit of honesty - tell you that my 1/30 piece was actually started somewhere around the 30th of March. Other unfair additions to the NaPoWriMo challenge include 4/30, which is a really bad spin off a a po-em I heard Ken Arkind do at NPS 2010; 6/30 begins with a line from an old po-em i'd started and given up on; and 7/30, which came for a convo I had with a poet-friend G awhile ago....and I think I'm the one who said something about the whole failure being beautiful thing...but it could have been him. We'll chat, and if it was him, I'll come up with a replacement haiku for the day. Kay?

In other news:

• had a friend that tried to kill herself, at home, while her kids were there...immediately after being kicked around a bit by her husband
• sick again, but secretly i don't think i got up to 100% after i was sick in februrary, and
• in general over myself in a lot of ways.

So far...my fave po-em of the month is the piece that Taylor Mali put out yesterday, which you can check out here. My own personal goal, to add the list I gave you at the end of March, is to write a po-em that Casper does not deem as sad. I'll let you guys know when she thinks I have achieved this.

Peace Be

Adventures in 9/30

here is the activity:
find a friend with an affinity for Tetris
and a need to procrastinate
make her call out a list of words:
marigold
pillows
royalty
caboose
whatever trinkets come to mind
make of those words something like magic
to pour out of the tip of your pen
a test to see how quickly you can think on your feet
better a still
a game of chicken when your car is out of brakes
or staring down the barrel of an angry lover's gun
any test
that will obliterate reason
and sear you bones to milk with fear
send a firestorm rumble to the pit of your belly
will it spew up something like alter reason
to illuminate the path to get you out alive
or will this be the thing that does it

here is the game:
make of each breath an orchestral sound in the base of your throat
make an arsenal of friends that will trust you with their words
make a music of not knowing what may happen next
make amends with Fate
and she will make up the rest

Adventures in 7/30

if you've attempted
suicide you know failure
can be beautiful

Adventures in 5/30

if my life is a palindrome
the hard part is nearly over
a slow walk now to cradle in the quiet womb of death
mark this as the center
spark a flame in your time machine
travel back and forth on the pendulum
birth to the death
the life between like flashes of light
to illuminate once
once again
and then no more
like a mirror that shatters under the burden
of bearing it's own reflection

Adventures in 4/30

See the baby
The baby is made up of wishes
The wishes belong to the parents
The baby is filled to th teeth with wishes
The wishes poke out at the joints
The baby has too many corners
The parents don't know how to hold him
The parents drop the baby
The baby crawls away
The baby crawls into a box
The the box is sent to the parents' parents in a city too far from home
The baby loves the city
The baby forgets home
The baby grows up
The baby is a man now
The man has too many corners
The city cannot sand them down
The man walks away from the city
The man meets a girl who is empty
Her parents did not have enough wishes
She has space for his corners
The man and the girl make a baby
The baby reminds him of boxes
The man hates boxes
The man hates the baby
The baby is a girl with holes
The man stuffs hatred into the holes
The holes feel like wishes
The girl makes a wish on her razor blade when she slices the hatred down
She does not know why she does this
She scrapes her corners away

Adventures in 2/30

If you love something let it go

That smoking habit
An abusive father
Three near angels
A bottle of Valium
Every city I've ever called home

If it comes back, it is yours forever

The sunset on the Savannah River like a battle hymn in 3/4 time
The welcome home hug of a little brother
A first kiss in the rain

If it does not come, it wasn't meant to be

You, always you

Adventures in NaPoWriMo

So.

As is always the case, I've decided to put myself at the mercy of the "One-A-Day" challenge for the month of April. That's right folks:, I am promising that,  starting this Friday, one poem, every day, for the next thirty days, will appear right here on this blog for your reading pleasure.

Now.
We know what this meant last year.

Last year you got 1.5 poems....one of which wasn't written entirely (or even mostly) by me. By the second week I found myself churning out some pretty crappy (even for rough drafts) pseudo-poems in the hopes that I'd stumble upon something to share....which I didn't. And that ultimately meant that I threw myself into a state of random despondence because I was not living up to my word....which I can't afford at the moment.

So. I have counteracted the coming madness by creating....

Milli's Big List of NaPoWriMo Rules

Rule #1: I'm allowed to work on unfinished po-ems. I will be honest when posting something that isn't brand new to April....but you should be able to tell, based on its non-suckiness as compared to the other po-ems written in a day.

Rule #2: I'm allowed the occasional haiku. And I know that there's nothing in the "official" NaPoWriMo "rules" about not doing haiku...and I know that there aren't actually official NaPoWriMo rules...but I would generally consider haiku as being against the spirit of those rules if they existed. But. I'm saying that some haiku are ok. It is also ok to write one haiku as the po-em for the day. None of this WriMo Nazi 8 haiku surrounding the same theme business.

Rule #3: You are not allowed to ask "how are the po-ems coming?" All other comments about how the great the po-ems are...and how much you've been inspired are welcome....but none of this...you're five days behind business. This goes hand in hand with

Rule #4: Let's be serious. My real aim is to counter the Writer's Block i've been contending with for the past forever, and maybe come up with 7 or so complete po-ems...3 or so decent ones. And maybe 1 that can be taken to Southern Fried. And finally,

Rule #5: Above all else, we're going to enjoy words and have some fun. To do this, you should check out other people who are playing. There are some names on the list that I know, many more than I don't... but I'm sure there'll be some great po-ems for us all to read.

Peace Be

Adventures in Coerced Blogging

So.

We find ourselves in a dilemma.

I haven't posted anything in almost a month...which...in certain circles is unacceptable. I find myself, however with nothing to say. I don't know...I'm just bored with the particular state I'm in. It's like come on - we get it...sad, frustrated, scared, lonely - update us when you have something we don't know.

But.

In the spirit of sharing....here's a po-em that I started awhile back...still not quite finished I think....but I'm done with it for awhile. So. Enjoy.
---
1.
it's another day in and the general consensus is that i am made up of walls
the bedroom i never leave
in apartment no one comes to
near a phone no one calls
because there are never words
when another voice beckons
"i see that you are breaking
come clean"

2.
my name
has always been jericho

3.
a wall is never easy to the crumble
all a wall will ever do is beg you let it stand

4.
"i love you"
is a trumpet to the heart wall
it's noise like a shatter of glass against brick
its weight
heavy in the center of my breastbone
press harder
you can already feel the break

5.
did they not know
this nation was coming
with a God so bad-ass he'd shake their city with a sound?
did they not know
their only fight was another wall of silence?
did they not know
you cannot let a people change you with their noise?

6.
i do not know how to tell you i am hurting
or why
how much
how to make it go away
these days
i know how to break
rebuild
break again
turn heart muscle back into stone
press those stones back into bricks
pile those bricks back into walls
i know how to keep you away

7.
exhale
the breath will not break you
its the trumpet
that knows how to bring a house down

8.
i can hear you from the inside of my heart wall
i hear you
come clean
come clean

---
Peace Be

Adventures in Writers' Block

So.

I haven't written anything decent since October. And by anything decent...I mean anything. Noooooooooooooo words. Grr.

Poems are stupid.

Peace Be

Adventures in Black History

So.

A homie of mine, Chinaka Hodge, has been doing an awesome job this month of exposing the masses to folks of the African Diaspora that will be making history in the near future. This project also does a great job of linking Black Future with Black History in her often witty, always insightful way.

We will ignore the fact that I have made no contribution to Black History month besides featuring Black folks on the Quote of the Day wall in my classroom.

We will also ignore the fact that I'm using the word "homie" here to mean extremely talented sister that I've never met but occasionally stalk on YouTube because she and her crew of artist friends are that dope.

What we won't ignore, is this opportunity to experience something awesome. Peep the sidebar to the left, and click on ThickWitness. Or the lazy bits can shortcut and click here. I dare say that Miss Hodge is a bit of Black Future herself.

Peace Be

*Note: you can stop giggling about the bit of stanaticism there at the end. You people know I'm sensitive.*

Adventures in Illness

So.

I've been flirting with illness now for the past two weeks, successfully keeping it at bay while also pretending to take of care of my friend with the flu. We were astounded by the fact that I was not getting sick. Excited about not getting sick. I sang extra praise to Jesus on Sunday...raised both arms....shook my tambourine, I was so gleeful about the not getting sick.

And today. Mm.

Today is day two of laying on the homie's couch...with...pseudo-sickness. That annoying limbo between sick and not-sick where you feel too well to be laying on the couch, but too un-well to get off of said couch. Granted....I did too much yesterday. If I hadn't done so much, I probably could have gone to work today...but now I'm paying the price.

I need 8 multi-vitamins, some echinacea, 3 glasses of cayenne pepper tea, and a massage.

That should do the trick.

Peace Be

Adventures in Being Held Hostage

Things that are fun at 3 in the morning:

• Watching infomercials
• Eating leftovers
• Thinking of all the things you could be doing....but won't do because you refuse to leave the bed
• Calling homies on the west coast that you know are up at midnight
• Calling homies on the east coast that you know are not up at 3am
• Waking people (or a nearby person) up in other ways
• Going back to sleep

Things that are not fun:

• Being locked in what suddenly feels like a very strange place
• Remembering that it would be rude to jimmy your friend's door
• Having a panic attack
• Trying not to scream

I am tired.

That is all.

Peace Be

Adventures in COGIC Dating

So.

In order to fully explain the concept of two COGICs dating...I'd have to begin with a thourough examination of caste systems and arranged marriages as practiced by certiain feudal soceities in the early Asian dynasties...but instead I'll leave you to your own reasearch concerning those matters, and trust that the previous statement alone will give you some basic understanding of what it was like to be me, at Starbucks, last night.

I would not dare suggest, that the COGICs have divided the members into classes...and we definitely do not promote arragned marriage...however....having a conversation with a COGIC boy who wants to date you...might go something like this:

Me: You're a great guy and I'm glad we're friends, but I'm not trying to date anyone right now.
Him: I can be patient.
Me : I....really don't think that's a wise decision on your part.
Him: I think that you're going to be ready to date much sooner than you think.
Me: What?
Him: I think that you're going to be ready to date much sooner than you think .
Me: pause...Look. I appreciate [bla, bla, bla....] but seriously...if you can't just be my friend then...we should stop hanging out.
Him: We are not hanging out.
Me: [confused and slightly angry face]
Him: This is a date.

Now. What's even more tricky is why a conversation would go like this. It is not natural stubborness...it is not actual oblivion...it is not even that he's certain that he likes me all that much - it is because he is COGIC and at some point...he had a conversation with his Pastor that went like this:

Him: I think I'm ready to take a wife (yes....he probably said this)
Pastor: Really?
Him: Yes sir
Pastor: What makes you think you're ready?
[Secret man-talk about what makes a man "ready" to "take" a wife.]
Pastor: Well son, do you have an eye on anyone in particular?...

and then that conversation led to one that went like this:

His Pastor: One of the sons of my house has an eye on one of your daughters (again...yes...he probably said this)
My Pastor: Is he saved? Does he have a good job? Can he keep a house? Did he finish school?
His Pastor: Yes sir.
My Pastor: Then who does he have his eyes on?
His Pastor: That young girl on your Praise Team.
My Pastor: Well, yes....she's...of age, good church worker....smart...yeah....don't know if she's interested in getting married too quickly....but she'll make a good wife.

Meanwhile: this is not even what's difficult about the process....it is now there are like....secret systems of matchmakers in place at both churches, monitoring the progress of the "relationship" and I DON'T EVEN DATE HIM.

[sigh]

This is the kind of thing that'll drive a good member to the Baptist church.

Peace Be

Adventures in....Bla

So. I've spent the past hour or so trying to write a version of this that doesn't seem pathetic, but I got nothing.

Suffice to say that today was a bad day, and I'm not doing a good job of separating what something is, from the way that it feels. And I'm usually better at that, because I know I'm not supposed to trust how I feel.

I....think I tried to do too much. I... would like to disappear for a few days and get my head back together.

Peace Be

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Adventures in Po-e-try

this is a psalm for the words that won't come
especially on nights they are needed the most
for the gut wrench of silence in a musical throat
to the poem that will not be written
i miss you
like a girl misses her father
the first time she sees he might not be god
how i would you were not so breakable
how i wish you would find your way home


Peace Be

Adventures in Insomnia

So.

Every personal blog that I follow is doing some type of....New Year - New Me posting here at the beginning of 2011, and in some regards I feel compelled to do the same thing (case in point - I taught all my classes today and yesterday), but for the most part I find all of this New Year's Propaganda a little disingenuous. What about January 1st makes you a different person than you were on December 31st? And if you can become this completely new and improved version of yourself all of a sudden....why didn't you do that last week? Can we also start making...Ides of March resolutions? Because that would make as much sense. Mm.

Also. I'm back to not sleeping properly....which is...fine. A little nervous about the excessive forgetfulness. And the losing everything. And the random crying. And the having to talk really slowly so the stuttering thing doesn't happen. But other than that....things are great. Haven't smoked anything in two weeks....which is good....and I ate two meals yesterday. This is progress. I'm excelling.


Peace Be