So.
Yesterday was dinner with the ex and his family. The whole evening had an almost...ethereal quality to it; I felt a little like we were on stage, preforming some staged version of our lives. I can't believe that Dooney (the ex's son) is four-years-old now. We were playing with him in the living room while Mom and Pop Dukes finished the meal, and the whole time I had the "no one hates a baby" series running through my head. I'm really glad that I don't remember number 2 or 3...because I know that they got progressively worse...and the first one was pretty awful. Meanwhile: Dooney is the sweetest kid on the face of the known planet; how TJ is managing to raise this amazing kid by himself is beyond me. [Side note: I will admit, thtat the whole...in the living room, playing with TJ and his son thing, made me sad for a brief moment. But I recovered by dinner]
Mom Dukes made me proud; she did not launch into her "you're supposed to be my daughter-in-law" speech like I thought she was going to. There were moments that I could feel her leaning in that direction, but she restrained herself to just a quick "it's not too late" when I hugged her before I left. Pop Dukes, on the other hand, had be told (by TJ) to cool off with the marriage suggestions, at various parts of the post-dinner conversation.
I promised a friend of mine that I wouldn't do anything I would regret, so when Mom and Pop Dukes took Dooney off to bed, I declined all invitations to go hang out at the park or Riverwalk or any other such place where we tend to flip the switch on our on-again/off-again situation to the "on" position, even when he made the sad face and baby voice. Go me.
Here is when I would say something clever to sum up the whole evening, but I've got nada. I was nervous that the whole ordeal was going to be a lot tougher than it was....yay for starting to move on and all that. Ya'll have a great rest of the year...I think this might be it for me until 2011.
Peace Be
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Adventures in Parenting
So.
It is no secret that I have a world of issues surrounding my parents, specifically my Pops, that I should probably work through at some point if I'm going to live a happy and healthy life (bla bla bla). These alleged issues tend to affect relations with the folks on a relatively consistent basis, especially when I find myself in the immediate vicinity of the rents.....but yesterday, and today....the two of them have been acting...quite odd.
For example, today the entire family rode to church together....which we haven't done since 1998 when E2 got his driver's license. [Side note: E2 is my big brother. This should be common knowledge....but it might not be. Also....completely unrelated - church was really good today. It was the first time I've been able to sit still through a service since Thanksgiving. So. Yeah. end note] Post-church....when mom asked what I had taken out for dinner today, Pop's response was: "Let's give her a break today; she's been cooking since she got home." Then he proceeded to ask me where I wanted to eat. A couple things happened at the resteraunt that normally would have caused him to flip out, either there, or in the car, or back at home...instead - he jumped on the Wii with the Munchkin...and is now asleep.
I'm...really starting to wonder what went down on their vacay that's making them (him) act so....human. Also...working on that whole paranoia thing too. Mm.
Peace Be
It is no secret that I have a world of issues surrounding my parents, specifically my Pops, that I should probably work through at some point if I'm going to live a happy and healthy life (bla bla bla). These alleged issues tend to affect relations with the folks on a relatively consistent basis, especially when I find myself in the immediate vicinity of the rents.....but yesterday, and today....the two of them have been acting...quite odd.
For example, today the entire family rode to church together....which we haven't done since 1998 when E2 got his driver's license. [Side note: E2 is my big brother. This should be common knowledge....but it might not be. Also....completely unrelated - church was really good today. It was the first time I've been able to sit still through a service since Thanksgiving. So. Yeah. end note] Post-church....when mom asked what I had taken out for dinner today, Pop's response was: "Let's give her a break today; she's been cooking since she got home." Then he proceeded to ask me where I wanted to eat. A couple things happened at the resteraunt that normally would have caused him to flip out, either there, or in the car, or back at home...instead - he jumped on the Wii with the Munchkin...and is now asleep.
I'm...really starting to wonder what went down on their vacay that's making them (him) act so....human. Also...working on that whole paranoia thing too. Mm.
Peace Be
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Adventures in Christmas Cheer
So.
Christmas 2010 has been...great, I think. Start the day off with the usual: church, fancy breakfast, and presents. [Sidenote: "fancy" here is used to mean pancakes. endnote] Gave the munchkin his preliminary presents: guitar stand for his bass, new strap for his bass, new accessories for the keyboard, couple ties, suspenders, new cd...and a couple other random trinkets to tide him over till the "real" gifts are opened when the rents get back home. The rents get back home. We open the rest of the munchkins gifts. We (the munchkin and I) spend....a ridulous amount of time on the Wii; then we (the whole fam) head to the Munchkin's Godparents' house for dinner. Had a blast over there. Mom remembered that Guesstures stresses me out, so when Godpop brought out the box, she somehow recruited enough additional players so that I could preform the duties of the head judge. [Side note: all games are serious...and require the decision making skills of a head judge. This person may also serve in the capacity of official time and score keepers. end note] Dinner was good. Godmom taught me (finally) how to make her bangin' Banana pudding, and now..I'm taking a break to blog before jumping back on the Wii.
Some...things to think about...
Haven't seen my Godbrother in something like 10 years....and he turned out to be beautiful. Like...legit gorgeous. Mm. I don't know what the standard policy is on hooking up with your baby brother's Godbrother....but I got his number anway. Gonna go hang out with him in Atlanta some time next week.
Also...my parents seem...different. To begin, my Mom is like....I speculated around Thanksgiving that she had been gaining weight, but I didn't think too much about it. But like...she ate breakfast, ate again at dinner, brought home some cake. She was mad...active at Godmom's house - it was good. And my Pop....I don't know...he usually finds a way to not be in the same room with me when I'm home...but he was very...just..present all day today. It was just a legit good day - all day....and now that I'm thinking about it - I'm starting to get paranoid that it's a calm before the storm kinda thing...so I'm going to get offline and go play some tennis or something.
Peace Be
Christmas 2010 has been...great, I think. Start the day off with the usual: church, fancy breakfast, and presents. [Sidenote: "fancy" here is used to mean pancakes. endnote] Gave the munchkin his preliminary presents: guitar stand for his bass, new strap for his bass, new accessories for the keyboard, couple ties, suspenders, new cd...and a couple other random trinkets to tide him over till the "real" gifts are opened when the rents get back home. The rents get back home. We open the rest of the munchkins gifts. We (the munchkin and I) spend....a ridulous amount of time on the Wii; then we (the whole fam) head to the Munchkin's Godparents' house for dinner. Had a blast over there. Mom remembered that Guesstures stresses me out, so when Godpop brought out the box, she somehow recruited enough additional players so that I could preform the duties of the head judge. [Side note: all games are serious...and require the decision making skills of a head judge. This person may also serve in the capacity of official time and score keepers. end note] Dinner was good. Godmom taught me (finally) how to make her bangin' Banana pudding, and now..I'm taking a break to blog before jumping back on the Wii.
Some...things to think about...
Haven't seen my Godbrother in something like 10 years....and he turned out to be beautiful. Like...legit gorgeous. Mm. I don't know what the standard policy is on hooking up with your baby brother's Godbrother....but I got his number anway. Gonna go hang out with him in Atlanta some time next week.
Also...my parents seem...different. To begin, my Mom is like....I speculated around Thanksgiving that she had been gaining weight, but I didn't think too much about it. But like...she ate breakfast, ate again at dinner, brought home some cake. She was mad...active at Godmom's house - it was good. And my Pop....I don't know...he usually finds a way to not be in the same room with me when I'm home...but he was very...just..present all day today. It was just a legit good day - all day....and now that I'm thinking about it - I'm starting to get paranoid that it's a calm before the storm kinda thing...so I'm going to get offline and go play some tennis or something.
Peace Be
Monday, December 20, 2010
Adventures in Gaming
So.
A friend of mine has noted that I have not blogged in quite some time, and in order to remedy this situation, she has a devised a bit of a "game". I use the word "game" here to indicate pseudo-torture device, intended to bring about sharing.
Here are the rules:
1. She calls out a word.
2. I respond.
Got it? Let's begin:
Winter
My first year of teaching I had a student named Winter in my inclusion class. Sometimes I think about her...wonder where she is, and if she's actually learning anything useful in high school. This business about all children being made to learn the same set of information is going to lead to the mass institutionalization of disabled peoples later in on life...when we realize that they haven't learned the skills necessary to take care of themselves, because we were deluding ourselves into thinking that everyone should learn Algebra.
Trust
...and already I see where this game is going....mm. So. It is the general consensus that I have trust..."issues"....and I wholeheartedly disagree. People with trust issues don't trust people. I, however, am very trusting. I trust...everyone to a certain extent....even it's to the extent that they're eventually going to break my heart.
Vespas
I'm not really certain what a vespa...is...I think it's one of those lame scooters that hipsters think are actually...cool scooters. Mm. Fig tree.
Mombo
So. I spent the earlier part of the day with the afore mentioned friend and her mother, whom she affectionately calls "Mombo". Secretly - when she says this I think of mambo sauce and hear go-go music in my head...and then I imagine these two...very white people in HU's student center, and I laugh on the inside. Mombo is good people. Genuinely good people...and it was hard to sit in the car (mall, house, where-ev) and not burst into random tears. The two of them together make me miss something I don't think I ever had - maybe never going to get. Trag.
Bon-bons
I...want to spend a summer in southern France...hobo-ing around a bit.
Kit-Kat
BUY ME ONE FOR CHRISTMAS!
Dogs
I'm secretly convinced that dogs are the devil. I don't think that they mean to be...but they can't help themselves. People always expect that people that are afraid of dogs were attacked in some way as children...but I don't think that there's validity to that. Granted, I was attacked by a dog as a child....but I remember being afraid of dogs long before that. In fact, I think it was my fear of the thing that made me stand there like an idiot while the dog ran at me...perhaps if I hadn't been immobilized, I would have at least made an attempt to run away.
Couches
I miss Kisha's couch. Mm.
Grace
So. I think....that I'm supposed to use this word as a jumping off point to...at least think about how God ministers grace in my life, but I don't really have a defined concept of what grace looks like. Like. I know it has something to do with the fact that I'm still alive, and relatively healthy, relatively sane...more to do with the fact that forgiveness as a general concept is available to people...but beyond that, I got nothing. Sometimes I really remind myself of the church at Corinth. Mm.
--
Ok. That's enough of that....I hope you weren't too bored with the activity....as I will probably be doing it again, the next time I'm told that I'm taking too long between blogs.
Peace Be
A friend of mine has noted that I have not blogged in quite some time, and in order to remedy this situation, she has a devised a bit of a "game". I use the word "game" here to indicate pseudo-torture device, intended to bring about sharing.
Here are the rules:
1. She calls out a word.
2. I respond.
Got it? Let's begin:
Winter
My first year of teaching I had a student named Winter in my inclusion class. Sometimes I think about her...wonder where she is, and if she's actually learning anything useful in high school. This business about all children being made to learn the same set of information is going to lead to the mass institutionalization of disabled peoples later in on life...when we realize that they haven't learned the skills necessary to take care of themselves, because we were deluding ourselves into thinking that everyone should learn Algebra.
Trust
...and already I see where this game is going....mm. So. It is the general consensus that I have trust..."issues"....and I wholeheartedly disagree. People with trust issues don't trust people. I, however, am very trusting. I trust...everyone to a certain extent....even it's to the extent that they're eventually going to break my heart.
Vespas
I'm not really certain what a vespa...is...I think it's one of those lame scooters that hipsters think are actually...cool scooters. Mm. Fig tree.
Mombo
So. I spent the earlier part of the day with the afore mentioned friend and her mother, whom she affectionately calls "Mombo". Secretly - when she says this I think of mambo sauce and hear go-go music in my head...and then I imagine these two...very white people in HU's student center, and I laugh on the inside. Mombo is good people. Genuinely good people...and it was hard to sit in the car (mall, house, where-ev) and not burst into random tears. The two of them together make me miss something I don't think I ever had - maybe never going to get. Trag.
Bon-bons
I...want to spend a summer in southern France...hobo-ing around a bit.
Kit-Kat
BUY ME ONE FOR CHRISTMAS!
Dogs
I'm secretly convinced that dogs are the devil. I don't think that they mean to be...but they can't help themselves. People always expect that people that are afraid of dogs were attacked in some way as children...but I don't think that there's validity to that. Granted, I was attacked by a dog as a child....but I remember being afraid of dogs long before that. In fact, I think it was my fear of the thing that made me stand there like an idiot while the dog ran at me...perhaps if I hadn't been immobilized, I would have at least made an attempt to run away.
Couches
I miss Kisha's couch. Mm.
Grace
So. I think....that I'm supposed to use this word as a jumping off point to...at least think about how God ministers grace in my life, but I don't really have a defined concept of what grace looks like. Like. I know it has something to do with the fact that I'm still alive, and relatively healthy, relatively sane...more to do with the fact that forgiveness as a general concept is available to people...but beyond that, I got nothing. Sometimes I really remind myself of the church at Corinth. Mm.
--
Ok. That's enough of that....I hope you weren't too bored with the activity....as I will probably be doing it again, the next time I'm told that I'm taking too long between blogs.
Peace Be
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Adventures in Hypothetics
So.
Maybe something happens. Or nothing happens. But you wake up one morning and realize that the floor has dropped from beneath you, and you're falling again. Maybe you ignore it. Try to drown it. Try to carve it from your skin. Maybe you consider walking away. At some point, someone will tell you that you might need some help, and so maybe you go see someone. Just like last time. And the time before that. And the time before that, and so on for the past six years, and maybe they prescribe a magic bullet to take all of your pain away. And maybe you take it. Until you you realize you don't like how it makes you feel. Or you don't take it, because you remember you don't like how it makes you feel. And then you wait. Wonder what rock bottom will look like this year. Wonder how long you'll have to stay there. Whether or not you'll survive.
I'm tired of being in my head all the time. I would like a break. And some chicken. (I'm hungry).
Peace Be
Maybe something happens. Or nothing happens. But you wake up one morning and realize that the floor has dropped from beneath you, and you're falling again. Maybe you ignore it. Try to drown it. Try to carve it from your skin. Maybe you consider walking away. At some point, someone will tell you that you might need some help, and so maybe you go see someone. Just like last time. And the time before that. And the time before that, and so on for the past six years, and maybe they prescribe a magic bullet to take all of your pain away. And maybe you take it. Until you you realize you don't like how it makes you feel. Or you don't take it, because you remember you don't like how it makes you feel. And then you wait. Wonder what rock bottom will look like this year. Wonder how long you'll have to stay there. Whether or not you'll survive.
I'm tired of being in my head all the time. I would like a break. And some chicken. (I'm hungry).
Peace Be
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Adventures in Poetry
So.
I wrote two versions of this piece a while ago - one while I was still in Hampton, and another last...March, I think. The second version maintains a bit of the beginning but changes near the end to be some tragic angsty thing about being a teenager and suicide and never giving up and bla bla bla bla....
Anyway.
Driving to work this morning, felt the sudden urge to revisit the original and do some editing (content not form). Not at all pretending that the poem is good (it has some awesome moments here and there)....but it is the most honest thing i've written in a while, so. Enjoy.
---
the hardest thing i've ever done is missed them both at the same time
the heavy of my secret
pressed to the skull with nowhere to go but inward
i still dream of us
an entire family
growing old on some beach though none of us swim
the children making sandcastles with smooth stones and seashells
their laughter riding out with the waves
and there is no front porch
or rocking chair
or heavy branched willow
but something in the sunset still smells like Savannah
i grew up enough Georgia to cook like my mother
and here
i would always be home
not so much wayward traveller with a handful of nickels and a story to honor the homeless
here's my confession
testimony
sacrifice and atonement
a tear and an alter to begin the burnt offering
tell Elijah to call on his God
if this type of heartbreak isn't stigmata enough for a valley to cling to its savior
then i don't believe these bones will live
although they've seen too much to die
call that a rock
or a hard place
or one of those things
just call it by name
and then call me
i'm a master at just in time
going all in with this last chance
i tell you my poker face is relentless
i've learned to glow bluff to bones with God
learned to carry the weight of this world on my words
i know how easy the promise is made
i can tell you the cost of forgiveness
studied well what it means to pay
to shuffle close
to butterfly tiptoe through darkness until you're nose to nose with a mirrored reflection of what you've run away from
here we are
a fiction novel at best
at worst nightmares again
and no poem
will ever know what it meant to say goodbye to your children
she
would be nine years old by now
he'd be learning to write his name
they'd both love their brother like David loved God
and we
would be something like a fairy tale
not this horror story and biohazard hammering beats in the pit of my belly
threatning always to find release in the speakerbox of silent tears
we'd be a miracle of music
they'd be the center of my spine
in the dream
i'm good at this
in the dream
they're still alive.
---
Peace Be
I wrote two versions of this piece a while ago - one while I was still in Hampton, and another last...March, I think. The second version maintains a bit of the beginning but changes near the end to be some tragic angsty thing about being a teenager and suicide and never giving up and bla bla bla bla....
Anyway.
Driving to work this morning, felt the sudden urge to revisit the original and do some editing (content not form). Not at all pretending that the poem is good (it has some awesome moments here and there)....but it is the most honest thing i've written in a while, so. Enjoy.
---
the hardest thing i've ever done is missed them both at the same time
the heavy of my secret
pressed to the skull with nowhere to go but inward
i still dream of us
an entire family
growing old on some beach though none of us swim
the children making sandcastles with smooth stones and seashells
their laughter riding out with the waves
and there is no front porch
or rocking chair
or heavy branched willow
but something in the sunset still smells like Savannah
i grew up enough Georgia to cook like my mother
and here
i would always be home
not so much wayward traveller with a handful of nickels and a story to honor the homeless
here's my confession
testimony
sacrifice and atonement
a tear and an alter to begin the burnt offering
tell Elijah to call on his God
if this type of heartbreak isn't stigmata enough for a valley to cling to its savior
then i don't believe these bones will live
although they've seen too much to die
call that a rock
or a hard place
or one of those things
just call it by name
and then call me
i'm a master at just in time
going all in with this last chance
i tell you my poker face is relentless
i've learned to glow bluff to bones with God
learned to carry the weight of this world on my words
i know how easy the promise is made
i can tell you the cost of forgiveness
studied well what it means to pay
to shuffle close
to butterfly tiptoe through darkness until you're nose to nose with a mirrored reflection of what you've run away from
here we are
a fiction novel at best
at worst nightmares again
and no poem
will ever know what it meant to say goodbye to your children
she
would be nine years old by now
he'd be learning to write his name
they'd both love their brother like David loved God
and we
would be something like a fairy tale
not this horror story and biohazard hammering beats in the pit of my belly
threatning always to find release in the speakerbox of silent tears
we'd be a miracle of music
they'd be the center of my spine
in the dream
i'm good at this
in the dream
they're still alive.
---
Peace Be
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)