today was the first day since "the incident" my first year, that i was legitimately concerned that i was going to lose my job. i spent much of the morning searching the faculty handbooks, looking through the civility policies, professional standards, the whole nine - trying to piece together a reasonable explanation for when i was called to the carpet this morning.
but the more i searched, the more i pieced....the less worried i became about the outcome of this meeting. i mean, i have said "i don't care" before - but i really did not care whether or not today was my last day inside of that school buidling. i tried to drum up some concern about the nothing that is in my bank account, and parlay that into some desire to fight for this job...but it would not happen.
and then i tried to garner the testicular fortitude to turn in my 30 days and peace out, but i couldn't do that either. i have sense enough to know that too much purposelessness in my days will be the thing that finally makes me jump off a bridge or something, and so i can't quit my job until i have some sort of direction. that, however, requires some knowledge of what it is i want to do with myself, and i don't have it. i couldn't even convince myself that i really wanted to pursue writing in any way that could stave off homelessness.
i'm 26. i'm unhappy. i'm lonley. i hate my job. and i have no goals.
the following comes to mind:
Peace Be
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